| Expansion |
[07 Dec 2006|12:36pm] |
P.H.D., shmee h.d., college schmolledge. I think I just figured out why the universe is expanding.
No, really.
Hear me out on this one. It can be explained in one word. Telescopes.
As we're able to see out farther into space and explore more of the universe, we come up upon nothing. Or a whole lot of something. And we're not smart enough to perceive nothing or this much something. So the universe attempts to keep pace with our senses.
We're creating life. Or at least space that never existed. Or spreading out stuff that existed before.
It's not from our higher intellect, it's all to compensate for our lack thereof.
Now I'm just waiting on our evolution... or maybe mine. I should be working on it myself, but I'm usually not this ambitious and I can be kinda lazy. Plus I work 60-odd hours a week. And death is probably only 50 or 60 years away. There's not enough time in the day, not if I want to keep drinking so much or go Christmas shopping or find another love of my life or keep a job. And I'm sorta hungover right now.
Excuses, excuses... I should really expect more from myself... nay, do more with myself. Inside and out.
And I don't care if I mixed in some humor or used plain language to describe it. I don't care if I have no credentials. This whole expanding universe explanation should be taken seriously, if only because it leads to some interesting questions. I mean, if I was somehow right on this one, then why is the universe compensating? I've thought about it, and the answer doesn't need to be God in the slightest, though it could be. It doesn't need to be us in the slightest, though it could be. It doesn't need to be a.i., though it could be.
And for that matter, why can't we understand quantum physics? How does one atom exist in two locations at the same time and act in different ways and do all sorts of crazy shit? Is God/a.i./us as a whole/other really that flawed and unimaginative? Are there some kind of bugs to be worked out? Maybe this world should just be chucked out and started from scratch. Maybe I should see about seeing beyond the expanding universe.
Maybe I should get some sleep, cuz I'm not sure where all these ideas are coming from. I haven't even read a book in a while and all I did last night was drink and have some repeated everyday conversations. I don't remember my dreams, but they may be the culprit.
And of course I'm craving more.
And I leave for work in about 7 hours.
Fuck.
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[27 Mar 2006|09:51am] |
Went to work, where nothing interesting happens unless someone gets hurt. Went to church, where I listened to a preacher talking about how fornication and 'false' religion are from the devil while picking Wiccan pubic hair out from between my teeth.
Just a thought-- how come the things you do to forget all that white noise of the past sometimes only amplify the sound of those same fucking memories? I have a friend named Laura who gives very good advice and who knows me better than I expected. I should listen to her more often.
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| My Space... |
[20 Mar 2006|10:28am] |
OK, maybe you're all so right...
Death to My Space.
I just used it to do something very, very stupid.
If anyone knows how to unsend, please let me know.
Soon.
If you can't reach me online, there is a telephone. Or a home.
-Crawling away in shame-
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[16 Mar 2006|10:06am] |
Last night a bad idea seemed like a good one. Or maybe a good idea just usually looked like a bad one.
This does not mean what you think it does.
This morning? Seems bad again but for the opposite reason.
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| Grrrrrrrrrray. |
[13 Mar 2006|10:23am] |
Mel's got a boy. Erin's got three. Ashley and Laura do, but it would matter not either way. All my friends got boys, girls, husbands, or cocks. All the girls I meet got boys too. Or they don't call back. Or don't give me their number in the first place. March 5th, 2002 was a long, long, time ago. I want a body, a heart, a soul... I want them all right now. I'll settle for some halfway decent cuddling, a few kissies, and some kind words... just enough 2 make me feel a little less ugly and alone. No, not u... I mean someone single. Not u, either... I like girls.
Don't worry, I'll feel a lot better after some sleep.
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[06 Mar 2006|09:41am] |
The weekend is over.
Friday.
Club ?ed it even briefer than before. Technology and texting made me smile. :) First time I felt truly wanted in 4 years, and it was good.
Ate Ashley's food(steak, shrimp, potatoes... much better than Jesus face. Thanks Bebs). Met Ashley's boy. He's a walking caricature of an over the hill frat boy. He loves drinking, X-Box 360, calls everyone bro, gives high-fives, and seems to make a toast at the beginning of everydrink. He's glad I'm out of prison. He told me so. Numerous times. 7 & 7 & 7 & 7 & 7 & 7 & 7 & V. Despite all, he seems like a nice enough boy, good for Ashley, and seems to make her happy. Right now it seems like that's all that matters. Ask me after seeing him again and I may wonder...
Saturday
I spent the day getting through weird emotional thingies... a Gary rarity. Talked to Erin about feelings. And Mel. And a lot about sex. Big things were said. Talked to Joe... almost closure. I told him I didn't hate him, but that didn't mean I would ever forgive him. This is the end.
The grand total of times I stopped at Webbs Saturday was 5.
Thankfully I threw off all those pesky feelings that night long enough to go to my first ever strip club. I was still sorely dissapointed. Girls kept coming up to the table to talk to me and Matt, but I knew it wasn't that they liked me or thought I was cute. All they wanted was dollar bills, and just knowing was a bit of a turn-off. They would look with those eyes that usually do it for me, but there was an emptiness behind them. They would push my face into their chest or rub butts against me and i was just like-- 'here's a dollar--could you go away now?'. Gary never even got aroused, but there were good conversations with Matt.
The grand total of times he almost got slapped by a girl was 4. The grand total of girls that wanted to slap him was 4.
Sunday
My dad was serious about bringing me to church, at it was so fucking EARLY. I practically went right from the strip club to the church. Only Bushies and home and that 5th George Webbs stood in my way.
Anywho, Laura (hopefully) does laundry soon. The weekend is dead.
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[03 Mar 2006|03:18pm] |
I have to be at a library to b here. It is horrible.
Laura, you were right about me. Something you said my first ever Wed. ... my vision was blurry but my memory was clear. I'll let you know what I'm talking about when you do my laundry.
Went out w/ Stanzig (Is that spelt anywhere near right? I think not. But those who know him know who I mean) the other day. He's less punk rock but with a better head. He gave advice on what my bias should have shut me up about.
Cost Erin $70 for coffee (Sorry :)). Most expensive coffee ever.
Went to Alterra w/ Mel the day before that. Speaking of, it's been a week and a half and I am STILL Good Gary. Growling Good Gary. Grrrrowl. 2 long, 2 long... but everyone either has a boyfriend or only wants that whole down-low just sex stuff, or hasn't called me back (not that I blame that last one... I was sort of a drunken hornball fool the night I kissed her).
Ashley's family loves me and group hugs suck, but my taste made an exception the other day and smiled.
Chicago was artzy and... yeah. I thought I'd get a bit of a break over the weekend from going every day with only about 3 hours of sleep. I mean, I was in a separate city with only my mommy. My mom wakes me up after 3 hours of sleep and says
"Gary, I made u breakfast."
"What'd u make me, Ma?"
"Lasagnia and margaritas"
How dare she mix cultures and ruin my rest.
Anywho, probably going 2 ? 2night, depending. Canton, give me call about that... I have no doubt u will go. I have 2 meet up w/ Ashley later in the night, and I have breakfast w/ Erin 2morrow... but I can have moderate fun there.
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| Now |
[25 Feb 2006|09:14pm] |
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I am here. I don't know whom among you kept me on, or how many who did so simply forgot to take me off. But I am here. Well, not in your computer, and for today I am in Chicago, but I am not THERE. There is much 2 say and much 2 do, but for now I just wanted to give you all a head nod. Apologies and margaritas, hopefully a few hugs will come later.
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[03 Mar 2002|06:26pm] |
I was just looking through a tool box full of old-Gary memorabilia, and ran across an envelope which once held a letter now lost. It was from
Jeff Steckling
Lad Lake
PO Box 158
Dousman, WI
53118
I started crying. I feel now, more than ever, like my time is important. Alli needs to be off work and with me... NOW!!!...
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[03 Mar 2002|06:00pm] |
You know those dreams you have where you try and read a paper, or mag, or book or something and you can't make it out because it's blurry? Well, it's starting to happen to me in real life. I can read this if I try, but I keep getting disinterested and slowly drifting off. My screen and the rest of life keeps getting too blurry because I can't concentrate because I am disinterested with it all...
Life is starting to look more and more like a Monet painting...
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| My dream |
[02 Mar 2002|02:29pm] |
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I just woke up from this really intense and complicated dream. I've never been much one for regret, but in this dream I was somehow magically stuck in early high school. I was making decisions, only I knew what I know now, which was screwing everything up. The things I didn't want to change I was still changing because I wasn't acting how I did then. I didn't have the same attitude, and even if I spoke the same words I didn't have the same conviction or manorisms, or just plain the same way. A lot of it I didn't want to change, but I was anyway. I spent a lot of time in the dream with my grandmother, who is currently dead. That was nice, but it was one of the only things in the dream I wasn't and couldn't fuck up. In the dream, I was driving around with my grandfather, and he was making snip comments about something horrible I did and how it affected my mother. Problem was, I started knowing what I know now slightly before this and couldn't remember quite what it was I had done that particular time. So I wasn't responding much and he gave a lot of vague context clues that I couldn't decipher. In part of the dream, me and my mother were looking to buy a house, and I was trying to make sure it was the same house we were supposed to move into, but I just couldn't seem to remember which one it was, because I had known what I know now for too long and forgotten most of it. I also remember in my dream Christi Deabel's eighteenth b-day party that I went to when I was fifteen. The first time I met Wendy or used ice cubes and everything. In real life, I arrived with long black hair that extended to my cheek bones, a dog choker around my neck that was made for a pit bull, and a White Zombie Mother Fucker black t-shirt that really clashed with the polyester women's bellbottoms and kiss me I'm Irish green frog socks. But in the dream, I showed up wearing a short-sleeve plain colored button up shirt, some slacks, and a conservative haircut. In real life, I was the life of the party, a wild man, a freak, party guy Gary, ect... In real life, I had soooooooo many memorable experiances that night, and it forged a couple friendships. In the dream, I sat in the corner alone. And I felt there was nothing I could do to change it because in the dream I was just disinterested. Granted, if I went to that party now I'd be disinterested, but I'm glad I went when I did. It was a fucking great time, and almost a symobol of all the great times I used to have. And because I knew then what I feel now, I missed it. I missed enjoying it while I still could. In another part of the dream, I was still going to Whitnal, and met Maria. In real life, she came up to me and asked to kiss my shirt, cus Manson was on it and she wanted him. All I really said was OK, but I had a lot of confidence and looked her in the eyes. The next day, I was at my buddy Dan's house and she called because she knew I'd be there and was friends with his sister. I got to Dan's house, and he told me that Maria called and left her number. I called back and the first words I heard were 'Gary? Oh, hey, I just got out of the shower and am drying myself off.'. Well, I knew in the dream that this relationship may have spun out and everything and she wasn't the one, but it also taught me a lot about a lot, and I don't think I would have as healthy an outlook on women now if I hadn't had it. So I wanted to meet her. I figured it'd be easy. I wore the same clothes that I used to, I had the same haircut, ect., and walked down the hallways. She ignored me, time after time. I even tried approaching her, but she cared not. I think it was the confidence and my ability to think and dream that I have long since all but lost completely. I never want to go back to how I was and the lifestyle I lead, but I wouldn't mind the thinking and the dreaming back, either.
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[01 Mar 2002|09:06pm] |
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I'm pretty sure the Godhead/Cali thing WILL fall through, but on the brighter side of life, this summer I WILL backpack through Europe. I'm hitting France, England, Ireland, and if Scotland gives me any shit, I'm hitting him too. Youth Hostels, art museums, sex on Jim Morrison's grave, possibly meeting distant Alli relatives, and I'm drinking at at least one bar in Ireland. This is the best thing to happen to me since Alli...
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[01 Mar 2002|02:08pm] |
I lost it underneath a bridge
Riding lyrics till they stopped
Tired wild horses
Whose hearts have merely popped
I see them running in the night sometimes
And for a moment, grab the reins
But I have no control, I swerve
In and out the lanes
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[27 Feb 2002|06:45pm] |
Watching time pass me by watching people pass me by in a comotose state sedated and unchanging myself will remain with my heart
But desire is a creature of the moment and time passes all whims by on it's way to the deep
Desire has many children and they all want something else, something new, something unheard and changing
Desire lives in the heart, I desire no change
I break my own rules for I want one thing for now and forevermore.
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[27 Feb 2002|06:42pm] |
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Alli is happy so I am happy so Alli is happy so I am happy
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[27 Feb 2002|08:16am] |
We are all connected
TV personalities
Products buying products buying
Food and entertainment and children from money itself
Disconnected the animals and disconecting ourselves
Our hardware has turned us off
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[26 Feb 2002|02:59pm] |
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What I need to do is indulge stupid whims. I need to do what feels good at the moment, not worry about any potential future. I should listen to my heart, not the heart of the world, because I have never completely been a part of that whole. Nor do I want to be at this moment...
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batongaville's journal
